Wednesday, December 9, 2015

An Open Letter To Christopher Ryan, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Ryan,
I've always enjoyed hearing you speak and hearing your point of view very much. Because of your great open discussion about the nature of sexuality, unconventional sexuality and the unnecessary shame around it, it's with great consternation that I feel the need to write to you about your seeming misunderstanding of the BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, SadoMasochism) community.

It's simply a different sexuality that's no better or worse than accepted norms. It seems dark, scary and sick to anyone who doesn't know and understand these people and their psychology. There are statistically no more or fewer "damaged" people in BDSM than in any other more conventional lifestyles. 

I listened to Joe Rogan interviewing Ceara Lynch about kink and fetish world. I understand you recommended her. I can't understand why you'd promote her as an expert on the subject. While I have nothing against her and I feel she's got a respectable career, she's admitted she doesn't know why a submissive is they way they are. Also that she's never met any of them. She's disrespectful and dismissive of the people who have sexual desires out of the norm. Joe Rogan even referred to her clients as "losers". That and other disparaging remarks were allowed to go unchallenged.
From such a smart, progressively minded man, I'm amazed, frankly.

I've heard you, yourself say something to the effect that you weren't "fucked up enough to be into that". I understand there is a lot of joking and levity, and I won't claim to have been upset at any one comment.  The over all tone of 'we don't know and we don't care' towards a common enough sexual preference and alluding that it's just a bunch of sick, dangerous or damaged people that do that stuff grossly misrepresents BDSM.

When I say that I expect more from you, I mean it with all the respect in the world. Because you CAN understand BDSM and I WANT you to.

I really don't mean to give you a bunch of crap. I'm really a fan and I think you're just on the edge of understanding BDSM. You're uniquely qualified to help the mainstream understand kink and demystify it for them. You and Joe Rogan can both do this.
As many as half of the population have BDSM related fantasies. Most of them are ashamed of it and hate themselves for it. This is a heart-breaking tragedy. I equate it to hating one's self for being gay. You can help so many  people to not feel ashamed of their desires, to know they they are not alone but mostly that this kind of sexual play, relationships and lifestyle are actually healthy when safe, sane and consensual. Just a touch of understanding goes a long way.

Since you had spoken to Ceara Lynch, I thought I'd point you toward a very similar woman who has been a pro Domme and who is also a sex educator and author. Kali Williams (AKA, Princess Kali) has recently written a book about erotic humiliation. Information about her and her book can be found at
She DOES know why a submissive wants the things they do. She is ethical, highly respected and can show you a great deal about dominance and submission (as well as humiliation and other fetishes) so you can understand it much better. 

I would also recommend the book "Living M/s" by Dan and Dawn Williams (no relation) at,
They are podcasters like yourself. And are experts on the subjects of Dominance/submission relationships and polyamory. 

I can go on and on with recommendations but I'd like to spare you the eye strain from what I feel is already a long-winded email.

The people in the BDSM community largely need to remain in hiding due to the widespread misunderstanding and demonization of a kinky lifestyle. Their families don't know, their friends don't know, I even know people who's spouses don't know.
Should they really feel so ashamed for being attracted to a certain kind of sexuality that doesn't hurt anyone or afraid of being publicly exposed?
I care about these people because I AM these people. 

Please, Dr. Ryan, take a deeper look. 

Reverend Dan

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