An Open Letter To Christopher Ryan, Ph.D.

Dear Dr. Ryan,

I've always enjoyed hearing you speak and hearing your point of view very much. Because of your great open discussion about the nature of sexuality, unconventional sexuality and the unnecessary shame around it, it's with great consternation that I feel the need to write to you about your seeming misunderstanding of the BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, SadoMasochism) community.

It's simply a different sexuality that's no better or worse than accepted norms. It seems dark, scary and sick to anyone who doesn't know and understand these people and their psychology. There are statistically no more or fewer "damaged" people in BDSM than in any other more conventional lifestyles. 

I listened to Joe Rogan interviewing Ceara Lynch about kink and fetish world. I understand you recommended her. I can't understand why you'd promote her as an expert on the subject. While I have nothing against her and I feel she's got a respectable career, she's admitted she doesn't know why a submissive is they way they are. Also that she's never met any of them. She's disrespectful and dismissive of the people who have sexual desires out of the norm. Joe Rogan even referred to her clients as "losers". That and other disparaging remarks were allowed to go unchallenged.

From such a smart, progressively minded man, I'm amazed, frankly.

I've heard you, yourself say something to the effect that you weren't "fucked up enough to be into that". I understand there is a lot of joking and levity, and I won't claim to have been upset at any one comment.  The over all tone of 'we don't know and we don't care' towards a common enough sexual preference and alluding that it's just a bunch of sick, dangerous or damaged people that do that stuff grossly misrepresents BDSM.

When I say that I expect more from you, I mean it with all the respect in the world. Because you CAN understand BDSM and I WANT you to.

I really don't mean to give you a bunch of crap. I'm really a fan and I think you're just on the edge of understanding BDSM. You're uniquely qualified to help the mainstream understand kink and demystify it for them. You and Joe Rogan can both do this.

As many as half of the population have BDSM related fantasies. Most of them are ashamed of it and hate themselves for it. This is a heart-breaking tragedy. I equate it to hating one's self for being gay. You can help so many  people to not feel ashamed of their desires, to know they they are not alone but mostly that this kind of sexual play, relationships and lifestyle are actually healthy when safe, sane and consensual. Just a touch of understanding goes a long way.

Since you had spoken to Ceara Lynch, I thought I'd point you toward a very similar woman who has been a pro Domme and who is also a sex educator and author. Kali Williams (AKA, Princess Kali) has recently written a book about erotic humiliation. Information about her and her book can be found at http://enoughtomakeyoublush.com/

She DOES know why a submissive wants the things they do. She is ethical, highly respected and can show you a great deal about dominance and submission (as well as humiliation and other fetishes) so you can understand it much better. 

I would also recommend the book "Living M/s" by Dan and Dawn Williams (no relation) at, http://www.eroticawakening.com/products.html

They are podcasters like yourself. And are experts on the subjects of Dominance/submission relationships and polyamory. 

I can go on and on with recommendations but I'd like to spare you the eye strain from what I feel is already a long-winded email.

The people in the BDSM community largely need to remain in hiding due to the widespread misunderstanding and demonization of a kinky lifestyle. Their families don't know, their friends don't know, I even know people who's spouses don't know.

Should they really feel so ashamed for being attracted to a certain kind of sexuality that doesn't hurt anyone or afraid of being publicly exposed?

I care about these people because I AM these people. 

Please, Dr. Ryan, take a deeper look. 

Reverend Dan

How To Construct & Succeed At Your First D/s Scene; A Simple Guide

I wanted to pass along a few ideas that I found invaluable in constructing my first scenes and was the seed from which our M/s contract and protocol that we now observe full time grew.

It's meant to be easy to follow and sustain. Please understand that they are flexible ideas. The spirit of them is what matters. Make any adjustments you feel you need to make. This is a primer from which I hope you can begin to find your own Dominant voice.

There is no right or wrong, only what works. In general, I find that these things work quite well. D/s need not be complicated or burdensome. In my opinion, the simpler the better. That way, each instruction or protocol has maximum weight of importance and it's quite easy to sustain indefinitely when you want to.

Write down 5 simple rules for her to follow during a defined timeframe. Choose things that matter to you. Rules for the sake of rules is a waste. They won't be taken seriously by either of you.

Be quite clear about them. Leave no room for guessing or interpretation. She wants simple, clear direction.

Have her sign them.

(Ie: How she's to address you, etc)

Write down what you want to do during the scene.

Keep it SIMPLE. Don't shoot to do ALL the BDSM in one evening. Focus in and explore the nuances of your favorite kinds of play,

Just a few of your agreed upon favorite things & be ready to make adjustments on the fly. Unexpected things can and will happen. You can easily roll with them and make changes without disrupting the scene. 

Pay attention to the feedback she's giving you. Not just her words but her body, responses and arousal are fantastic indicators about how you're doing. They can guide you to new, unexpected places and give you unanticipated successes. It can show you creative opportunities.

I can't stress this enough.

YOU'RE in charge. Play a role if you must. We must all force out our overly polite vanilla conditioning. Remember, you have consent that's more that willingness. She needs you to be a stern, demanding Master.

She WANTS you to decide.

Trust yourself & trust her.

She'll use her safe word if you fuck up. It's not a bad thing. 

Change the way you speak to her.

Your voice is your best tool.

Don't ASK, TELL her.

Use a firm tone of voice.

This was a hard one for me. I had to constantly be mindful of every word I spoke. I kept it polite but amplified the command in my voice. Don't be wishy-washy. Issue commands with the expectation that they will be followed without question.

When she thanks you for the dominant things you do for and to her, remember you've done something that she's very grateful for. Graciously accept it from her. Don't deflect it. Don't down play her experience. 

Say, "You're welcome" boldly.

Be supremely decisive.

Lots of decisions don't matter, but they do to her when you decide. That's the core of what she wants. For you to make the decisions. She craves to let go of control.

Even if you think a decision doesn't matter, be black or white in everything you do. Never leave it up to her. Be specific.

Wear THIS, sit HERE, this is where you will stand next to me, Etc.

Take positive control.

Touch her with propriety.

Move her where you want her by the small of her back or the back of her neck. Much like ballroom dancing, you must lead her. It doesn't take much pressure to communicate your intent. The entirety of a D/s dynamic is leadership. She WILL follow and gratefully so.

Do not wait for her to take any initiative. She's waiting for you to tell her what YOU want.

That's what she wants YOU to do.

If you want head, tell her to do it or make her do it. If you want her naked and or kneeling, instruct her to undress and kneel or undress her and push her to her knees. Remove her choices. She is so very anxiously waiting to serve you. All you have to do is seize the reins.

Be consistent.

Do not let up on the control. This is a major reason to keep things simple. It's easy to sustain a D/s scene with simple, clearly defined guidelines that you chose and that matter to you and your sub.

If you find it to be work because it's not entirely natural to you yet, you've set an end time. That's when you can relax your control.

Be stern but be polite.

There is no room for arrogance, rudeness or anger. Find your voice in leadership of the scene. 

You are also in control of yourself. This gives you both confidence in YOU.

Never forget her hard limits.

Those are the fence around your playground. Inside that clearly defined playground, play as HARD as you want.

But do NOT fuck with her hard limits.

This will build her trust.

Fake it till you make it.

Not sure what to do?

Make a decision.

If it's wrong or doesn't work out, don't sweat it.

Make a new decision.

You're in charge, you get to change them.

She's going to need aftercare especially after impact play. Wrap her in blanket, hold her, be gentle as she recuperates. Find what she needs to feel safe and cared for. Perhaps a cool, wet cloth on welts and raw areas of her skin. Perhaps a drink of water or even chocolate. Give her time and attentiveness. When possible I like to give my slave a bath after a heavy scene. 

And for God's sake when you've finished, tell her she's a good girl. Tell her you're proud of her & that she did well. She needs to hear these things in a way I can't fully articulate. She craves your approval and appreciation for all she's given to you.

She views and feels your control as CARE and LOVE. Understand that when you don't take at least a little control (say a daily task, for example), she could feel it as a lack of care or affection. Even the slightest control or task or instruction given as a command, will make her feel wanted and useful and LOVED.

I hope I haven't been too long winded in my attempt to provide a set of simple instructions to conduct a solid D/s scene. They're meant to show how easy it can be and to build confidence in one's abilities.

D/s isn't hard at all for a naturally dominant person. It's just a lifetime of vanilla conditioning that we must break through. We have CONSENT to treat our women the way they have aways craved to be treated.

The magic is that we can exert HUGE amounts of control without ever compromising our love and respect for them. We couple it with the responsibility we feel to care for them. Control and responsibility are two sides of the same coin.

Finally, on a personal note, I'd like to tell you that I had a mentor to teach me. In person and hands on. It was invaluable. I'm still grateful to him. 

Learning to live this lifestyle has set me free and showed me my true home. As a result, these people in ️BDSM are my extended family, now. I feel a responsibility to help and support them whenever I can. 

I have often remarked to my mentor that I can never thank him enough for what he taught me. What he told me is this, "You will have thanked me when I see you mentoring other Doms as I did for you. That's the most gratitude you can show me."

So it is with no small amount of gratitude that I offer these humble words and hope they make a difference to you.